50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
yall want some gasoline milk
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me