The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
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kitchen magnet
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The “baby” on the left….
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)