*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.