Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.