Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
This will never not be funny 😭
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.