I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
LOL
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Ummm
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back