I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
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Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
This made me chuckle.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice