Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.