If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.