How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought