My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
life finds a way
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.