ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?