I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan