A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything