Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
🤣could you imagine
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.