The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
work smarter, not harder
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.