for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits