Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes