comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,