[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
wait.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30