[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…