my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Human are so complicated
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
This is always good for a laugh.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.