Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Autocorrect is my menesis
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
A wise man once said nothing.