normalize having existential bread
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
No regrets in 2018
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do