me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.