#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.