My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
this is what they would have looked like, though
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
plums roundup
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Hotels are back
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped