I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder