HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign