but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
181.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Introverted vegans go meetless
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Grandmother clock.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-