Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
water it, i dare you
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
This took me a second..
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
When your man makes a valid point