The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*