Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
this country is so goddamn polarized
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.