A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
craving $300 all of a sudden
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”