“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Just a friendly reminder!
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme