I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school