BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Sniffing the broccoli
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice