me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.