I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Well, this certainly took a turn
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Me My dog
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.