Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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set yourself free xox
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
the dark web is just a goth google.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city