Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Owl Sanctuary
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.