What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”