Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever