All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now