My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.