Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.