These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.