A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
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wishing you and yours all the best
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]