my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Don’t talk down to me
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.