Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
couldn’t resist
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes